Thursday, January 19, 2012

Worrier



I am most certainly a worrier. I have spent so many sleepless nights up thinking about something, considering every avenue, every possibility, every what-if.  A worry that can easily creep in? This one....

As weird as it sounds, especially when we talk about growing old together, that I get so deeply sad, and I can't imagine being left alone.  It makes me feel silly to admit it, and of course I don't like to dwell on it. I'd much rather have a more carefree attitude and enjoy our time.  It really has to be the very worst feeling. Kemi hates to talk about it, so sometimes I just squeeze him and say "don't let anything bad ever happen to you, ok? I can't live without you." And he always laughs and says "don't let anything bad ever happen to you, either!"

When I saw this blog post this week, it was cathartic to read, knowing others have the very same thoughts from time to time.  In a way, it's really a beautiful thing and reveals to me the depth of our love together.  I try to be aware to never, ever take Kemi for granted.  The way he makes me laugh pretty much every minute of every day, the goofy emails he sends me every day to make me smile, that he makes the bed each day because he knows I like it but won't do it myself. The way he watches for the car at 5:30 and comes out to the driveway to carry my bags in when I get home in the evening.  Every day! Remembering that our time is a gift makes me listen, really listen, when he's telling me about a dream he had, or explaining a new thing going on with work.  I think it's too easy, especially in marriage, to stop paying attention to your partner with the same wonder and adoration you felt when you were dating. But it's the day to day stuff that makes the marriage, and the little ways we love each other daily that makes it an epic love.  And it's the little things I'd miss the most...hearing what he dreamt the night before, seeing his name in my inbox every day with a silly video sure to make me laugh, or seeing him and Marley come out to greet me in the evenings.  There is great freedom in having no control, and having to trust God to give and take away as He sees fit, and knowing that I can only submit and offer myself to His will and know that it is far superior to my own.  Now with our daughter coming, I feel so content and exceedingly blessed knowing that without our marriage, she wouldn't be, and she (and our future children, God willing) will always be our best thing ever.  Check out this essay by Anna Roiphe on her husband's last words.

1 comment:

  1. Love this so much :) well said and a beautiful reminder!

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