Monday, July 9, 2012

Mother F (that is, Mother Failure)

If I didn't have balance in my life pre-Evie, I definitely don't have it now.  Finding time for work, Kemi, and Evie have left me completely exhausted and zapped of energy this week. Oh, and my domestic duties, you ask? It's a good thing Evie's not crawling yet or she'd be able to help herself to any number of clumps of dog hair that are hiding in the corners of our floor.  And time for myself? that doesn't exist anymore and hasn't in a while.  If Evie goes down for a nap, I feel guilty if I don't grab my breast pump to squeeze out some liquid gold, throw in a load of laundry, or round up the afore-mentioned dog hair.  It takes a conscious effort to NOT have the first thing I say to Kemi in the morning be "can you grab her nose suction-thingy and clean up the dog's throw up?" Going to the gym now (it actually happened once this month) involves planning at least a few days in advance, a willing babysitter, and at least three stare-downs at my cellulite to get me motivated.  Life is definitely different, and I wouldn't go back to my life, pre-her for anything in the world. Not even for jiggle free legs and a flat stomach.

There are days, especially weekdays, that I feel like a Mommy Failure.  If I leave work early, I am riddled with guilt that I left work on my desk. If I stay late though, I am obviously more guilty that I'm not laying on a blanket on my living room floor, staring at Evie with love in my eyes and, most importantly, no smartphone in sight.

It's so difficult as a mom who works full time to not guilt myself into feeling like I'm not giving 100% to everyone-work, child, husband,'s exhausting.  Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook, was outspoken recently about her policy of leaving  work at 5:30 every evening.  It was refreshing to hear, which makes me think: why do we feel guilty when we put our family first?