Friday, March 15, 2013

I Take it Back

I take back what I said about not being angry. I'm a little angry.  What I have found difficult since Celeste went to Heaven is reconciling within myself what I know as a Christian, and what I feel in my humanity.  Today, in my humanity, I feel some crappy things. I want answers. I want to know why, my body, what I am meant to do as a woman, didn't do what it was supposed to do.  And in looking for answers (remember, in my human-ness?) I go to Google. I know I shouldn't. I know it's a slippery slope, but down the rabbit hole I go. I want to know everything about "preterm labor." "Incompetent cervix." "22 week birth." I want to read everything. I have to know. And what I read makes me angry. The risks for preterm labor: Mothers who smoke during pregancy. No. Lack of access to prenatal healthcare.  Well, that wasn't me. Advanced maternal age. Nope. And I get angry. Because there isn't a clear reason. And then I'm angry at my anger. Angry at my human-ness. Angry at my lack of understanding and lack of faith and lack of trust in these darkest of moments.  I just miss her. I miss her. I miss her so much.  But, through it all, through all the supremely sucky feelings, I'm thankful that God loves me enough to break me down this way and show me how little I am.  What my Heavenly Father knows about me and my heart is there is a stubborn child in there. And that stubbornness doesn't allow me to change or grow in Him unless I am broken down, stripped away, and smushed like clay. Only then can He work in me and form me, building me into something that looks a little less like the stubborn child, and a little more like Him.  What a lent.  So it's for this reason that I'm thankful for the opportunity to face off with my humanity.  It is one of the many reminders I've had since Celeste went to Heaven of my own simpleness. So I will praise Him in all things, even praising Him for the parts of me, the feelings I am embarrassed by, that show me my meekness and His greatness.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

1 comment:

  1. Even amidst your suffering, you are so prayerful and so holy. You have so much strength and faith in you. Allow Him to break you and rebuild you into something even more radiant than you already are. I love you.