Wednesday, May 29, 2013

My Triggers

Our Infant Loss Support Group moderator talks about our "triggers." The things that catch you unexpectedly during the day that "trigger" an emotional response. For me, the only response there is so far is crying. And there are so so many triggers.

Yesterday I was at Wildflower Bread Company, having a cup of coffee by myself and studying for an exam.  In walked a mom, with two little girls, maybe four and five years old. Each girl was carrying a toy car seat with a baby doll inside. They sat down next to me while their mom went to the counter to order, and I sat watching them play dolls together. And then it began. That all-too-familiar burning in the nose and eyes, my eyes starting to well. The rock that suddenly forms in my throat. The pit in my stomach.  I had to consciously tell myself to get a grip and pull myself together to keep from crying in the restaurant.  In that moment, I couldn't help but grieve Evie's loss. The loss of not having a sister to grow up with, as close in age as these two little girls were.  I grieved for Evie, and what she lost when Celeste went to Heaven.

Recently, my sister (who is 19 weeks pregnant) mentioned that her husband felt their baby kick for the first time. Oh. Like a punch to the stomach. I hadn't thought about it until now. Kemi never felt Celeste kick.  I did, but he just never got to feel it on the outside. And suddenly, there I am again. This time, grieving Kemi's loss.  Feeling that sting again.  Broken for him that I got to feel our sweet girl kick in my belly and he never had that intimacy with her. And I'm right back in that headspace and can't shake it.

See? Triggers. There's tons of them. And it doesn't get easier. I pray that through time, they might fade a bit. In those moments of grieving for Evie, or grieving for Kemi or myself, I try (and sometimes it's all I can do to just TRY) to remember all that we have. How insanely blessed we are, how much we have, and how little we deserve. Our Heavenly Father loves us so much and longs for us the way we long for Celeste.  Father, give us peace.


  1. "Triggers" are so powerful. With our infertility I find myself having those moments where I have to excuse myself or smile big enough to hide the tears in a public place when something triggers me and reminds me that we don't have a baby of our own and not knowing 100% if we will ever have a biological child. As always, thank you for sharing yourself openly. I am positive it is helping other women all over! Love you.
    -Meghan Sanchez

  2. Oh Meghan, I know. I pray for you and Josue everyday. That is such a heavy cross to bear. The two of you will be incredible parents in whatever way God calls you. I know you have already blessed so many children in the parental role you've had in their lives. I have faith that God has such a wonderful plan for both of you.