Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Family Plans Part 1

Kemi and I always dreamed of having a big family. We began dating when we were 19, and even then, in those late-night conversations when we were just getting to know each other we both dreamed of having lots and lots and LOTS of kids.

The birth of our first daughter brought so much joy, and, we thought, the start of the big family we always planned on having.



Celeste's birth in February was simultaneously the best and worst day of my life. And that is hard to admit.  February 12th, 2013 is forever one of the best days of my life because it is the day I met my second daughter, Celeste. It's also the day we lost her.

Kemi and I have always trusted God's perfect timing and plan with our family planning.  We know that God's plans for our life are infinitely greater than any we could plan for ourselves. We also believe that the desires of our heart are divinely inspired, and we hope that our ardent desire to have a large family is there in our heart because God Himself planted that seed.

After losing Celeste, we spoke with our doctor at length about the medical issues for our future  pregnancies. Because I had a premature birth and delivery all my subsequent pregnancies will be considered high-risk. What this will mean for me is weekly progesterone injections, a surgery to prevent premature birth early in the pregnancy, and six months of bed rest.

The normal excitement and anticipation of preparing to have a child is now mingled with fear and anxiety. I so desperately want Evie to have siblings to grow up with, but I sometimes find myself paralyzed with fear of another premature labor. I trust our doctor, and more importantly, I trust God. I do. But the humanness in me, the side of me that I find I am always fighting with lately, is absolutely terrified.

Thinking about becoming pregnant again, I think about the bed rest. Being put on bed rest for six months. I worry about what it will do to my relationship with Evie...how will she feel when I can't pick her up and twirl her around? We dance together most nights after dinner. Will it change our relationship if all I can do is sit back and watch? What will it mean for Kemi, who will have to do all the grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, and most of Evie's care? Will it be too great a burden for him? He reassures me it won't. And I know he can do it, he's a wonderful partner, but still I'm worried how this will affect our family...we already have such a complicated life as it is.

I worry about what it will mean for my job.  My role will have to be a bit more passive, temporarily, and I don't want to let anyone down.

And honestly, I get angry that my naivety is gone. The way I felt during my pregnancy with Evie will never be back. I was so trusting that all would be fine, and was free to fully enjoy every kick, every hiccup, and cross the days off the calendar until my sweet baby arrived.  Now, I'm scarred. I can never go back to being able to fully enjoy the gift of pregnancy without fretting about every little cramp or pain.

myrevelment.com


When I confront these fears in myself, I know God can overcome them. I know I need to surrender myself to Him and let Him have all of me, fears and all.

I read something recently that really struck me. It was advice from one woman to another, and she said "don't not have another baby because of the infant stage, because it's so finite. When you think about having another child, think about how many people you want around the table for Thanksgiving dinner."

For me, this was huge.  As Oprah would say, it was an "Aha!" moment.  I have had such difficulty reconciling my desire to have a large family with my fears about what pregnancy now means for me.  I mean when you're a working mom, how many times can you be on six months of bed rest, you know? All I can do is totally abandon these desires to God, and let Him guide us. It's so, so, so not easy.

2 comments:

  1. corinna, i am so in awe of your strength and honesty. thank you for writing, even when it may seem hard. your faith in God is remarkable, especially during this abyss of untimely uncertainty in life. giving you lots of warm wishes and prayers from DC!

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  2. Corinna, thank you so much for sharing this. I pray that writing it down helps you with your healing process and with any anxiety about future pregnancies. I know you probably don't always feel this way, but you are an inspiring woman to so many! I am completely in awe of you as a wife, mother, career, and most importantly a holy woman seeking God's perfect will! God bless you and your beautiful family!

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