Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Four Months

Romans 8:28
I know He has purpose in even the things I cannot understand.

I have to rest in that. I have to let that be my comfort today.

Today marks four months since our sweet girl went to Heaven. It is also what would have been my due date. It's strange, last month's anniversary was Mother's Day, and this month, my due date.  It's been a hard couple months.

The past four months feel like a million years and the blink of an eye, all at the same time. There are moments when my grief feels like such a heavy fog over me that it seems it will never clear away.  More often though, it's the little day to day things that make the lump form in my throat.  Tonight, I was looking through old photos for a project we're working on, and I found pictures of Evie the first time I held her. I can't help but think Celeste would have looked an awful lot like that.  It stings that I don't get to bring her home from the hospital. It makes the hot, fat tears fill my eyes to think that we would probably already be home with our little girl by now. We'd be introducing her to Evie. It pains me that Evie doesn't have Celeste to grow up with.

Last night, I rocked Evie to sleep, and sang her our songs. "You are my Sunshine" and "A Bushel and a Peck." The same songs I have sung to her since she was born. The same songs we rocked Celeste to sleep with for the first and last time. And every night that I get to rock Evie to sleep and sing to her is a gift. I treasure it.  And each morning I go in to get Evie from her crib,  and as soon as her eyes meet mine I tell her "we get another day together, baby girl!" Because it is remarkable. It really is a miracle, and I know that I wouldn't marvel at one more day with Evie if I hadn't had only one day with Celeste.

I know my heartache can change my life for the better, if I let it. It can soften my heart, if I let it. I worry everyday that it has changed me in a way that isn't good. That it has made me a different mama than the one Evie came into the world knowing.  And I don't know what the truth is. I hope, with time, that my heart can be softened and the Lord will make me more of what He desires for me to be.

I don't know why my daughter is in Heaven when it feels as though she should be here with me. But I do know, in the deepest part of me, that God has a purpose in everything, and His plans for me are good. It is a balm to the wounds of our heart to hear how Celeste's story has been healing to other mothers grieving the loss of their infant. Or how pictures of Celeste's tiny feet have saved babies from abortion.  Or how others have found hope in their worst times through Celeste's intercession. We praise God for the ways He can use our worst for His glory.

Celeste, I love you. I love you I love you I love you. I would have done anything to keep you with me. I miss you every second of every minute of every day.  Pray for us, sweet baby.  We can't wait to hold you again!


  1. Praying for you today. The due date is so hard and the anniversary on top of it! Keep resting in Gods promises and know you are the mom he made you to be. I had great peace once I realized that I was always supposed to have a baby in Heaven-like I couldnt be the best version of myself without this cross and the suffering its brought and the sanctification. Celeste is so sweet and I know she is a powerful intercessor. Every day here is another day closer until you get to be with her again.-RyAnne

  2. Thank you so much for sharing this. I will pray for you today. Stay strong.