Monday, July 1, 2013

Today

Today was a day and a half. I left work at 3:30, hightailed it to Scottsdale for a doctor appointment, only to get there and realize I forgot my wallet in Evie's diaper bag (copay). Went in anyway, begged the office lady to see me anyway and bill the copay, and left at 5:15.  Had to stop at Trader Joe's because I knew we were out of milk for Evie, so stopped there after the doctor. Remember how I forgot my wallet? Cuz I didn't.  Yeah, that happened too. I was already rushing and freaking out and then I made a pointless trip to the store. I thought my head was gonna spin off.  On the road to my girl at 5:30.

Do you ever feel so rushed, and so crazed, you just feel a littttle bit like you're gonna snap?  Like you're hanging on to that last, rapidly fraying thread and you really might lose it.  My heart was racing and I just felt so terrible that I wasn't home. I HATE not getting enough time with Evie in the evening.  And then I hit my exit and it looked like this and I felt a little more frantic.


And I was just trying so hard not to listen to the nagging voice in my head telling me I'm a terrible mom. That someone else has now fed my kid all three meals today. That I should be ashamed. That she has one parent out of town and I'm all she's got and I'm not there. I'm it, and I'm not there.

I felt such deep guilt. And then I started crying. Walked through the door, crying like a crazy person. And I knew she was ok, I knew she was so well taken care of by a great friend, and probably having a lot of fun. But still. It's the worst feeling. She will never know this feeling. Not until she's a mom, at least. How deep and wide I love her and how I'd do anything, anything for her. That I just want to be with her all the time. My little sidekick.  My heart just breaks.  This mama stuff is rough. So I kept her up an extra hour late to have some mama time.  Anyone else totally NOT have it all figured out?

Just brushin' all four of her teeth.


1 comment:

  1. YOU BRUSHED HER TEETH!! haha! That says a lot. You're a great mom, Corinna! Evie is lucky to have you.

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