Thursday, August 8, 2013

A Confession

Have you had days when you just feel like you failed? That you weren't AT ALL the person you wish you were?

This past week, I have helped out my sister by watching my niece each day so she and my brother in law could go to work. I was supposed to watch Sophia Monday through Thursday. By Tuesday evening I was EXHAUSTED. And that was really upsetting to me. I don't know what was so exhausting about it, an I had to really think about it to figure it out.

 I really REALLY don't do well when I feel like I'm letting people down, or not meeting other's expectations of me. This week is my last week before returning to work. Most teachers have several weeks during the summer to plan. Because SDSA goes year round, we have two weeks. That's right. A two week break to try to have some vacation/break time, but also only two weeks to plan and prepare for the next school year. This week, I received a lot of emails about work, and my to-do list seemed to be getting longer and longer with each passing day, but with nothing getting crossed off.  So it was a complete change of pace for me to have a tiny shadow named Sophia. As soon as I'd put Evie down for her nap (my normal time to spring into action and cross things off that list) I'd have my little sidekick who wanted to "do art." And wanted to play mermaids. And wanted to know "what is this?" "Can I open this?" "Why Auntie? Why? Why?? WHY?!" She's definitely in her "questions" phase...

But that isn't what upset me. What upset me was how I handled it.  After what seemed like the millionth question I turned to Sophia and said "No more questions." And you know what she did? She turned away from me, and her eyes filled with tears.  And my heart absolutely sunk in my chest. I was so concerned with my list, and crossing off everything I needed to do, that I snapped at my niece. Who wasn't doing anything wrong. She was just being a curious and inquisitive kid, and asking questions. And I lost my patience.  I felt like the worst person in the world.  Even now, 24 hours later, I still feel guilty.  And I don't say this so that you will tell me differently, but just to put it out there. Maybe it's good for us to be honest about our failings.  I read this article this morning, and it really hit home. I definitely learned my lesson, and hopefully I can be a more thoughtful, more patient mama and auntie from now on!  I have so many days that I wrestle with not being the mom/wife/aunt/daughter/sister/friend/coworker/employer/whatever that I wish I was. Do you?

Oh, Lord, help me to slow down!

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