Thursday, September 12, 2013

Seven Months

Today marks seven months since losing our girl.

Grief is a strange thing.

I worry (often) that I shouldn't write about Celeste. That it is so deeply deeply personal, that it shouldn't leave the walls of my own house.  Sometimes I think maybe it shouldn't even leave the space between Kemi and I when we whisper her name at night in bed.  That maybe grief is something to tuck deep in your heart and keep.

Grief brings a lot of guilt, especially in the beginning.  I felt in the beginning guilty for laughing or even smiling, and so I would only do it for Evie, because I knew she needed my smiles. I had to pretend to her that I was ok.

I worry too, about appearing "ok."  I feel sometimes even still that I should look as messed up on the outside as I feel on the inside.  I worry when I write about taking Evie to the Children's Museum, or Instagram pictures of her swimming, that everyone will think I'm "all better," but I know the truth.

Evie, the day we came back from the hospital after delivering Celeste

I grieve Celeste in everything I do and miss her every second of every day.
But I have to live.

I have to live for Evie and for Kemi and so we fill her play pool almost every evening after work and all stick our feet in. We play "monsters" and growl at each other until Evie is belly-laughing.  We let Evie sit in the driver's seat of the parked car and bump Raffi and sing "Willoughby Wallaby Woo" while she pretends to drive.  We need those things, and I'm so thankful for them. They are making my life so sweet.

We miss you Celeste. Keep praying for us.  We love you so much!



4 comments:

  1. We will be praying for you and Kemi today, and asking sweet Celeste to pray for us. You have brought me more peace than you know these last few weeks, just by sharing your story. Thank you for being so open and willing to tell us about your little angel. You don't know all the ways his helps people.

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  2. Brave. That is the word that comes to mind after reading this. Brave for allowing yourself to feel whatever you are feeling and meeting those doubting thoughts head on, and than sharing those thoughts with "the world" because in your heart you know it might help someone else, even knowing you leaves you vulnerable. You are the image of the word, Brave, for me today! You will be in my prayers.

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    1. Thank you! That is very kind. And thank you for your prayers!

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