Monday, December 30, 2013

Currently

Hey guys!

I'm linking up with my sweet friends at A Mama Collective for a little update on what's going on over here. I've been a bit absent lately so this is a good opportunity to catch up!


Thinking about:
My father in law. Kemi's dad passed away on December 28th, and he's been at the forefront of my mind.
Reading:
"Everything is Illuminated" by Jonathan Safran Foer.  It's my favorite book of all time, and I love to re-read it.
Listening to: 
My sweet girl and all her new words and phrases!  Last night, I was giving her a bath, and I stuck my feet in the tub too while I was washing her up. We played with her toys, tickled each other's toes, and then she started saying something that I could not understand-
Finally, I said "Evie, are you saying 'fun'?"
"Yeah!" She replied. 
"You're having fun with mama?" 
"Yeah!" 
Oh, my heart. She just wanted to tell me she was having fun with me. You mamas know there are days we feel like anything but fun. We feel gross, frumpy, boring, crabby, and tired. So to know she wanted to tell me she was having fun was such a gift.
Watching:
Parenthood! Are you guys as hooked as I am? I can't wait for it to come back. And I'm SO MAD at Julia. Get your s*&@ together, Julia!
Thankful for:
Family. There's nothing like loss to make you look around and appreciate your blessings.  So thankful for all the family and friends we have around us, supporting us, and loving us. 

Friday, December 27, 2013

Around the Interwebs

Evie putting on her makeups

Thankful for Diana, and her words. And for a God who can handle the beatings we throw at Him.

This made me LOL.

Such a pretty fall color for nails.

If we ever have a son...

Intrigued by this site. Healthier eating in the new year for the Ndolos!

My mom gave me this for Christmas. I want to give one to each of my mom friends!


Monday, December 16, 2013

Keepin' It Real Monday

Evie found a tampon in my purse this morning. Then she lifted up her dress and (attempted) to demonstrate how to use one.  She has seen too much.

I will protect your eyes by omitting a picture.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Ten Months

Today marks ten months since Celeste went to Heaven.

I'm finding this time of year to be challenging. There's something nostalgic, and a little bit sad sometimes about Christmas. Does anyone else find that? Maybe just a little more emotional.  Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, there's more opportunities to think about your blessings, but that for me brings to mind those who go without. There's so many opportunities to spend time with family, but inevitably that leaves a spot in your heart longing for those who aren't with you this year.

I think about Celeste daily, and most especially when I'm alone.  The beauty, wonder, and excitement of Christmas has me missing her in such a deep way right now.  I can't help but think that this time last year, she was growing healthy and big in my belly.  This time last year, I bought two sets of matching Christmas morning pajamas, one tiny pair for what would have been my six month old Celeste, and a bigger pair her for big sister Evie. They still hang in Evie's closet.

I want to commemorate somehow, this first Christmas without Celeste, but I'm not sure how yet. I want to mark it somehow.  I feel her absence so painfully right now, and wish, especially at this time of year, that our family had all of us here.

Losing a child has been incredibly challenging. It challenges me daily, and I'm thankful.  God saw it right to take my daughter to Heaven at just 22 weeks.  And this side of Heaven, I will never understand that. But I have to abandon that. I have to let God be God, and reign over me. And it's a challenge. It is a challenge to trust your family planning, your life plans, to a God who allows such deep loss. But that's the cross. I will embrace it and carry it, and see my girl again. I love you, Celeste! Pray for Evie!


Sunday, December 1, 2013

Thankful

This past weekend, I was sitting on the couch folding laundry while Evie napped.  I was looking around our living room and my eyes landed on an engagement photo of Kemi and I.  I started thinking about our life, and the love we have for each other. Do Kemi and I have a perfect marriage? Not by a long shot. He's pretty close, but I have a whole lot of failings.  But we have such great love.  We have been blessed to hold and gaze at the face of not one, but two newborn baby girls. Half of him. And half of me. And we have felt a love for those babies so strong we thought our hearts would burst.


There are some who never know these feelings. Who live their whole life without the love of a spouse, without a baby in their arms, without a best friend.  There are some who suffer from depression or loneliness. And we have been so richly blessed. We've experienced loss. Deep, deep down loss. But we've experienced so much love.  And for that, I am thankful.