Thursday, December 12, 2013

Ten Months

Today marks ten months since Celeste went to Heaven.

I'm finding this time of year to be challenging. There's something nostalgic, and a little bit sad sometimes about Christmas. Does anyone else find that? Maybe just a little more emotional.  Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, there's more opportunities to think about your blessings, but that for me brings to mind those who go without. There's so many opportunities to spend time with family, but inevitably that leaves a spot in your heart longing for those who aren't with you this year.

I think about Celeste daily, and most especially when I'm alone.  The beauty, wonder, and excitement of Christmas has me missing her in such a deep way right now.  I can't help but think that this time last year, she was growing healthy and big in my belly.  This time last year, I bought two sets of matching Christmas morning pajamas, one tiny pair for what would have been my six month old Celeste, and a bigger pair her for big sister Evie. They still hang in Evie's closet.

I want to commemorate somehow, this first Christmas without Celeste, but I'm not sure how yet. I want to mark it somehow.  I feel her absence so painfully right now, and wish, especially at this time of year, that our family had all of us here.

Losing a child has been incredibly challenging. It challenges me daily, and I'm thankful.  God saw it right to take my daughter to Heaven at just 22 weeks.  And this side of Heaven, I will never understand that. But I have to abandon that. I have to let God be God, and reign over me. And it's a challenge. It is a challenge to trust your family planning, your life plans, to a God who allows such deep loss. But that's the cross. I will embrace it and carry it, and see my girl again. I love you, Celeste! Pray for Evie!


2 comments:

  1. Your heart is beautiful Corinna, and strong. We are praying for you and your family more than ever during this holiday season. I pray that you each feel God's grace and His blessings abundantly and that you hold tight to each other. Sending you all my love today.

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  2. Thanks for sharing this Corinna. I've been praying a lot for all the mamas I know and don't know who have lost a baby this year. I can't imagine what it truly feels like, but my heart has been aching lately thinking of what it would be like, especially around the holidays. My friends who lost their son Bradley are making a little angel tree for him. They will put it up every year and decorate it with angel ornaments just for him. I think it's sweet to think of their future kids decorating their brother's angel tree. Many blessings to you!

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