Friday, March 21, 2014

Letting Go

Yesterday we had our 18 week ultrasound to check up on how Baby #3 is coming along.  After a loooong ultrasound, we met with the perinatologist for a consultation.  He informed us that my cervix is not yet dilated, but is already shortened, much more than it should be this early in pregnancy.  He said untreated, my cervix will continue to dilate, shorten, and this pregnancy would result in another loss.

Our hearts sank.  There was a chance, until this afternoon, that this pregnancy would be as humdrum and routine as so many pregnancies are.  There was a chance that our loss of Celeste was a "one in a  million" and was not an indicator of a greater issue.

In seconds, this doctor had undone that hope.  We now learned that I did indeed have an "insufficient cervix," meaning my cervix is not strong enough to do what it's supposed to do and stay strong and closed throughout the pregnancy.

I felt such deep immediate sadness.   As soon as the doctor stepped out of the room, Kemi grabbed my hand. I could only stare out the window.  He wanted to know if I was ok. "I can't do it again." I told him. "I just can't bury another baby." I'm not strong. Definitely not strong enough for this, this painful path God keeps putting us on.  I felt a sinking feeling inside. Why would God allow me to have this issue? Why would He allow Kemi and I to stay up late at night, dreaming about the dozen babies we wanted to have, only to make it near impossible?

We went over the treatment options at length with the doctor.  He scheduled us for a cerclage next week, which is a surgery to sew closed my cervix. This will prevent it from dilating or shortening any further.  I'm also receiving weekly progesterone injections, and a second progesterone medication.

But you know what?


This. This makes it all worth it.

It's funny. When I was pregnant with Evie, I read every book on natural childbirth.  I had a two page birth plan detailing exactly how things were going to be, and was determined to give birth the old-fashioned way, the way my mom did, without so much as a Tylenol in sight.  And you know what? I did. And it was an incredible experience that I wouldn't trade for anything. This time around? The priorities have changed. Healthy baby, healthy mama.  That's it.  Weekly injections and being stitched closed sure wouldn't be part of my dream birth plan if it were up to me, but it's not.  All I can hope for is to make it to 37 weeks, and to deliver a healthy baby.  That's all I want.  It seems like God keeps directing me back to letting go, and reminding me that I'm not in control.  It's hard and painful but I know He is good all the time, and His plans for us are better than our own.

17 comments:

  1. You will most definitely be in our prayers for a healthy pregnancy and for your sweet baby to stay put as long as possible. I still can't imagine what it felt like to lose your sweet Celeste, but reading this just keeps making think what a miracle Evie is to you and Kemi. God most definitely has a plan and I know it is so hard to trust that plan. God bless you and this sweet little soul!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Kellie! We had those same thoughts exactly. What a miracle that we made it to 37 weeks with Evie. We are so blessed to have her!

      Delete
  2. Always praying for you and your growing family, especially in this trying time. God sees all and I can only pray that His loving hand guides you, Kemi & baby through this pregnancy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much! We can use all the prayers we can get. We're just trusting in the Lord and knowing His hand is on this.

      Delete
  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh Corinna my heart goes out to you.we know loss all to well. Know you have our family praying for you guys, including our 4 boys in heaven. I don't think we will ever understand God's plans and why He trusts us to go through this. Maybe it's because we have such a respect for life or maybe it's or purgatory or maybe all though we dont believe we are strong enough, He does. I don't think we will ever know.I'm so happy to hear there is a plan for you and your new little blessing. We will pray this plan works fully for you guys. If you need anything we are here. Try to take it easy and know what a blessing it is to know now and have the opportunity to follow a plan you didn't have last time. I'm sure Evie makes everything look brighter. All my love Melissa

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Melissa! We're praying for you and Jesse too with your recent loss. Evie is definitely our treasure, and makes our days so bright. Thank you for your prayers!

      Delete
  5. So beautifully written. You're so faithful Corinna. So much love to you and your sweet family. Prayers my dear.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Corinna praying for you, Kemi, and the baby... Praying all goes well with the procedure, the time to 37 weeks... You and Kemi's faith are inspiring... I wish I had more words, but they escape me right now... We will keep all the Ndolo Family on our Families prayers :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Corinna, you Kemi's faith is inspiring... My family will continue to keep the enite Ndolo Family in our prayers and that the procedure goes well and that God guides you and the family to that 37 weeks :) I wish I had more words, but they escape me for the moment.... You two are inspiring and we will continue to pray for your family... :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hello Corinna.
    My name is Paolo Mastrovalerio. Sorry my bad english.
    I'm an Italian boy, I contacted Kemi on facebook a few weeks ago because like him , I am a Christian musician .
    I know your story and I read your article on the blog.
    Me and my wife Elisabetta we are very close with our prayers to you and Kemi. We too have had a similar experience to your experience and we know what that means. Elizabeth during her pregnancy has suffered from a disease that affects the liver (in Italian is called cholestasis of pregnancy) and this disease has endangered our child and then his mother.
    We do not know why God allows some suffering, but we are sure that the only solution is to rely on Him.
    We know that is very difficult, but prayer and closeness of your dear ones will help to tackle the problems with courage and hope because God is hope.

    We continue to pray for you, for your family and for your sweet creature.

    A hug in Christ and the Virgin Mary.

    Paolo and Elisabetta

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hello Corinna.
    My name is Paolo Mastrovalerio. Sorry my bad english.
    I'm an Italian boy, I contacted Kemi on facebook a few weeks ago because like him , I am a Christian musician .
    I know your story and I read your article on the blog.
    Me and my wife Elisabetta we are very close with our prayers to you and Kemi. We too have had a similar experience to your experience and we know what that means. Elizabeth during her pregnancy has suffered from a disease that affects the liver (in Italian is called cholestasis of pregnancy) and this disease has endangered our child and then his mother.
    We do not know why God allows some suffering, but we are sure that the only solution is to rely on Him.
    We know that is very difficult, but prayer and closeness of your dear ones will help to tackle the problems with courage and hope because God is hope.

    We continue to pray for you, for your family and for your sweet creature.

    A hug in Christ and the Virgin Mary.

    Paolo and Elisabetta

    ReplyDelete
  10. Corinna! I was checking my Facebook messenger for another reason ( have not been on fb). And someone sent me your link. Dear momma. Our prayers to you and Kemi. I had hoped Celeste's pregnancy was one in a million. This sweet baby is so precious right here and now - as your ultrasound shows. Praise God for your faithful hearts. He will bless you!

    ReplyDelete
  11. If this is a double reply sorry- not sure if 1st worked. Oh sweet Corinna . Our hearts go out to you and Kemi. I too had hoped Celeste's pregnancy was 1 in a million. That you were on the large side of the percents- not the small. Your sweet baby is precious here and now and your faithful hearts are great examples. You know that God is in control... And who knows why, How hard, or how beautiful this journey will be. But it will be holy andGod will work. And your sweet little one will bless the world . Corinna whatever I can do

    ReplyDelete
  12. Meals etc. errands. I know u don't know me that well. But I am willing to help in any way I can. Prayers, blessings and love! The Berghoffs

    ReplyDelete